Vote For Edward
by timetofly116
Summary: Edward decides to run for president, and an unexpected person runs against him. Just in time for the presidential election!


_Just in timefor the 2008 election! This is my attempt at humor. Don't take it too seriously. Please review._

Vote for Edward

Edward sat at the kitchen table that no one ate at. The Cullen family tended to be a bit over protective of their secret and they bought furniture they never used so that the guests they invited over (which they never invited anyone to their house because, oh yeah, they were vampires) would think they were normal.

Anyhow, Edward was getting bored. His perfect, amazing, beautiful, adorable wife, Bella, only kept him entertained for so long. And his daughter, though she only looked like an average six year old, had the intellect of a college student, so she didn't need him anymore.

If only he could get a job. He'd been through high school several times, and had graduated from med school twice, and he was eager to do something new. He needed to think of something that would keep him out of the public eye.

Something like running for president of the U.S.

Perfect, amazing, beautiful, adorable Bella walked up to him. "What are you thinking about, honey?"

"I think I'm going to run for president," Edward answered.

"Oh, how wonderful. Do you think these pants make my butt look big?"

_Yes. _"No, dearest, they make you look beautiful."

Bella smiled.

"Did I hear you say you were going to run for president?" Emmett asked, sitting down on the chair across from him. "Because the people will want to know where to stand on the important issues. Red Sox or Yankees?"

Alice walked up, pushed Emmett out of the chair and sat down. She ignored himas he twitched on the floor. "Don't listen to that idiot. What do you plan to do to lower gas prices?"

"Why do we need to lower gas prices? We're stinking rich," says Edward.

"I was talking about the people who aren't filthy rich." Alice narrowed her eyes.

"Oh, right, the poor people. I forgot about them. I guess we could always send them outside the country."

"Um, okay," Alice said. "What do you think the government should do about taxes?"

"Why should I care? We don't pay our taxes anyway." Alice flashed him a look, even though he made a good point about their tax fraud. "Okay, we should tax people on ninety percent of what they earn and keep it so we can be even more rich," Edward said, and then, as an afterthought he added, "So you could buy more shoes."

Alice was so giddy with pleasure at the thought she didn't even bother asking him anymore questions.

"I'm sorry, Edward, but I don't think people will vote for you based on those answers," said Carlisle, overhearing. "How do you think you could try and get votes?"

"Easy," replied Edward, "I'll tell the truth."

* * *

"I vow to do all I can to stop global warming," Edward said to the crowd, thinking of the private jet he was going to buy once he was dictator, er, president. For whatever reason, many of the people gathered were women(and some men) screaming "I love you Edward! You are so hot!"

Rosalie, whom Edward chose as his running mate because Alice had went on vacation and didn't tell anyone, not even Jasper, where she was going, leaned overand whispered in his ear, "Tell them your tax plan."

"I'll lower taxes and vote for oil drilling in the states so all you poor, I mean, middle class people can afford to buy gas." Rosalie winked at him, and he knew he said the right thing. Rosalie would make a good vice dictator, Edward decided.

Edward paused and glanced over to the bleached-blond super-model type woman he chose to be one of his advisers. He listened to her thoughts for a moment. _Breathe. Smile. Breathe. Blink, _she thought. Man, she was hot. Good thing Bella couldn't read his mind, or she'd be more than ticked.

Edward concluded his speech, and left the podium. The crowd cheered.

Later on, Edward's cell phone rang. It was Rosalie. "You'd never guess who's running against you in the election."

"Who?"

"Jacob Black."

Whoa. Oh well. Edward was confident that he was hot enough to win the election.

Over the weeks that followed Jacob and Edward had to be at the same place during the debates and stuff, and Edward and Jacob behaved like mature adults, except for the occasional 'Kick Me' signs they'd stick on each other's backs.

Ofcourse, Edward and Jacob were bending a few laws in the election. Like how they were both under thirty five. But every time someone would bring that subject up the women of the U.S. (and some men) would riot and the accuser would back down.

Edward and Jacob were neck and neck in the polls. Every time one would get ahead in one state, the other would get ahead in another state.

At the last debate, the two presidential hopefuls were behind stage getting ready. Perfect, amazing, beautiful, adorable Bella was by Edward's side. "What's Jacob doing here?" she asked.

"He's running against me for president," Edward said really slowly. Sometimes it was best to say things slowly and clearly with Bella.

"What? How come you didn't tell me?" Bella asked, shocked.

"Um, who do you think I've been running against this whole time?" Edward said sarcastically. "Didn't you see those 'Vote for Jacob' commercials?"

"I thought that was just someone who looked like him."

"I see."

Bella went over to get some human food, which she evidently forgot she couldn't eat. Edward read over his speech. He suddenly realized Jacob was the only one left in the room. Time to say something he should have saida long time ago.

"Ha ha, Bella chose me over you," Edward said in a sophisticated manner. "Ha ha ha ha ha."

Jacob scowled. "Bella also forgot Renesmee at the park. Instead she brought back a monkey with a little hat. Obviously her head can be a little clouded sometimes."

Okay, Edward could take Jacob's jibs at him, but when he insulted his perfect, amazing, beautiful, adorable Bella, he crossed the line.

Edward took a punch at Jacobs head. Jacob moved his head just in time so Edward only bruised his cheek, not broke his jaw. Jacob swung back, not that there was much he could do to Edward, since Edward was a vampire and all that.

A horrific fight fallowed, ending when Jacob knocked a can of black paint onto Edward's head, and the noise of the battle got the attention of other people. A few cameras flashed, and Rosalie had to use all of her strength to keep the two apart.

* * *

Carlisle finished bandaging Jacob up, and Rosalie made him sit on the couch next to Edward, whom was still covered in paint. Jacob had a broken nose and a cracked rib and, quite frankly, looked like crap. Rosalie had a scowl on her face and a yardstick in her hand. She wasn't happy Edward got disqualified from running for president.

"What did you two learn today?" She asked in a stern voice.

"Hugs not drugs?" Jacob suggested. Rosalie hit him on the side of the head with her yardstick. "Ow, that hurt," he said, rubbing his ear.

"Use your words, not your fists, because it might cause you your chance at vice-dictatorship?" Edward answered.

"Right," Rosalie said, before hitting him with the yardstick, too.

"What was that for?" Edward asked.

"For being a know-it-all."

"Wait, if Jacob and Edward aren't allowed to run, who's going to be president?" Bella asked.

Just then Emmett ran into the room. "Turn on channel 7!"

Rosalie turned the TV on and was shocked. A very familiar face was addressing a crowd of people. Alice was saying, "As you all know, the two candidates running for president have been disqualified, and I, Alice Cullen, am entering myself into therace."

"Traitor!" Edward burst out.

* * *

Alice sat on her throne. It didn't take her long to establish dictatorship. "Edward, bring me some shoes. Jacob, fan me with palm fronds, will you?"

"Yes, master," the Edward and Jacob answered simultaneously, with a robot-like edge to their voices.

Alice smiled and laughed manically. This was the life.


End file.
